Break the silence – Talk about it!

talking-about-infertility.pngI was asked by Bud Fertility and Now Baby for some guidance on talking openly about infertility…..this was published last week.

Here’s what I had to say….

By talking openly about my experience with infertility, not only has this been a way of coping with my journey, having somewhere to vent on the down days and the support of the TTC community, it helped me gain a better understanding of not only the medical aspects of what to expect, but most importantly, the emotions involved and with the highs and lows of assisted fertility. I don’t put my own experience out there because I think my struggle was more gruelling than anyone elses. On the contrary. There are women out there who have gone through heart wrenching negatives after round, 4, 5 6 + of IVF, some who will never experience the miracle of carrying their own child, some who will eventually have to program themselves to cope with the realisation they will never become parent, as well as those having to deal with loss along the way. I was VERY lucky, I know that….and it’s for that reason I want to share my journey openly, to encourage those still on their journey, to talk about it, rid the taboo of this word, Infertility.

Talking openly about such an intimate part of your life and relationship can be very daunting, sharing such information isn’t for everyone. For me, I’ve always worn my heart on my sleeve, so it came naturally for me to talk openly with people about what we were dealing with. But even then, the more intimate, raw, gritty detail proved difficult to speak of, through fear of embarrassing myself or the person listening. However, I found a way to share my journey with others, which at the time was crucial, looking back now I hardly remember some of the symptoms, feelings, physical changes that people want to know. People about to go through it or are already on their fertility journey want to know the uncomfortable bits, they want to know how you feel at certain points, how it affects relationships, if loose stools could be a symptom of a positive, if other people have been catching their pee in hairspray lids or are frightened to sneeze at fear of the embryo falling out.

Its only after I’d had the boys that I really shared with the world who was behind my blog. But I know, from reading other womens stories and talking openly about it and sharing my journey has been a great support for many women, and urge others to do the same.

The subject of infertility is a tough one to talk about, here’s some guidance on how to talk about it openly with others….

 

  1. RESPECT each other

Before even thinking about talking openly about your journey, make sure you and your partner are on the same page. Is he happy to have your private life laid out bare for all to see? Set boundaries that you both agree on, what should be shared and where to draw the line, if any.

 

  1. SHARE it

So, if for you the idea of sharing it petrifies you because you want it to be a secret form your family/friends, but you want to look back on this journey, why not write it up and log it? Beit in a diary for just you and husband to keep, or in a blog under a decoy name. Nobody has to know it’s you behind that screen, but you’d have the support of TTC community and a place to vent all of your hormone induced emotions. Writing it out can be a huge release, you can be as honest as you want, or delete it after a good vent. For me, this was what kept me going.

  1. This is YOUR journey

It can be very easy to forget that we don’t all tick the same. One womans journey will be completely different to anothers, we all respond to medication differently, have different backgrounds as to why you’re dealing with infertility, ages are different, relationships, etc. Remember this is YOUR journey. Your story. One woman may have been through several failed rounds of IVF and still no baby, another may be lucky first time, it’s important to remember that your end goal is the same, and you’ve all gone through your own highs and lows to get to this point.

 

  1. We are 1 in 8

When openly talking about the fact you are dealing with infertility, it might be a good idea to mention that 1 in 8 people are too. That little bit of information can soon smash the taboo about the subject of infertility, when it affects so many of us, it seems ridiculous that someone could be uncomfortable talking out loud about it. Don’t be ashamed, don’t be embarrassed. Embrace this journey, It’s part of your history.

 

  1. Use the SUPPORT around you

Dealing with infertility can be a very lonely experience. Although surrounded by family and friends, you can feel like nobody really understands what you’re going through. Talk to them, tell them how you feel, what your worries are. Just a good chat between you and your partner can really help you feel like you’re ready for anything. Plus, how are they to understand unless you tell them? Tell them how they can help, not to ask too many questions, ask more, not at all maybe. Pick a good time.

 

  1. Know that you’ve HELPED someone, somewhere

That someone could be you, it could be someone in the family or a complete stranger. But talking about your experience with infertility will have helped someone, somewhere. Maybe just you and your partner talking about it, that will have helped you both air a few feelings, keep you both on the same page. Maybe a friend or family member hadn’t realised that you’re going through a tough time, now they understand what’s going on and can support you more, or a friend is going through the same and suddenly doesn’t’ feel so alone. Or maybe, half the world away, someone if reading your story and taking hope from it, on what started as a really bad day.

 

However you do it, maybe even something as small as responding to yet another “when are you going to start having babies” question, with, “ well, we are actually struggling at the moment” or simply writing your journey down….. your educating someone, giving hope to the next person and supporting another.

Together, we are slowly breaking the silence of infertility, and the more voices heard, the less uncomfortable the world will be talking about it.

Mail Online Feature

mail online.jpg

Wow. Pretty overwhelmed by the response to our story in the Daily Mail Online yesterday, and I just love the opening quote was my peeing into a hairspray lid.

Thank you to everyone who shared this and who commented. Feel very blessed to be getting our story out there. Like I’ve said before, we were very lucky with our first round of IVF giving us our ticket to parenthood. I know many women on a far more turbulent journey, and they are why I’m so determined to get people talking about it. I want them to feel supported, I want them to have access to lots of womens journeys because its so important that we see how different we all are, yet our end goal is the same. Reading other womens stories gave me hope, picked me up on the down days and shown me a community of women there to share my thoughts and feelings with, which ultimately ended up being my coping mechanism.

Unfortunately, there’s always one or two dickheads, who have bags of time to leave their unwanted, pig ignorant opinions when your in the media. But thankfully, I don’t take them to heart… in fact I had quite a hoot at some of them…. so thank you!

Dickhead number 1 “ewwwwwwwwww”……..

Pah….. I know, gross right? I peed in hairspray lids… forgot to mention that 98% of the time I actually peed on my hand! Or was it about the pessary I was trying desperately not to shoot out? In all honesty, I wasn’t sure if it was even in the right orifice !

Dickhead number 2 “Only evil will come from this”…….

Ah, thanks for leaving a message…. you’ve just made yourself look like a complete jerk off in under 30 seconds.

Dickhead number 3 “and they didn’t even look into adopting an abandoned child who needs a loving home and parents ”

Hello friend, sorry, have we met? Only, you seem to know a lot more about me than I do….like whether or not we even looked at adoption…..  Anyway, as your telepathy skills have dazzled me so much…. try and guess what I’m thinking….

My fire has been fuelled – Lots of extremely uncomfortable, gross, apparently offensive writing coming up!  🙂

 

Exciting times. . .


My new website is currently under construction, and I have bags of content ready to share with you…. from an interview with the Head of Embryology at a fertility clinic about the very confusing subject of multiple transfers (risks, different protocols etc), an open diary of confessions, symptoms and a tell all journey of my road to motherhood, through IVF. 

There will be no filters, no flowering it up. .. and occasionally the odd swear word.  

Thanks for visiting. … I hope you find some benefit / comfort from my posts on here for now. 

Feel free to leave me a message or contact me directly through kickstartbabies@gmail.com 

Much love – Stacey. … xxx

The key to baby number 3

Right, I’m going to admit something now…
All of those years praying, yearning, pining, desperately obsessing, stressing, struggling,  fighting for a baby….. finally stopped when I was blessed with not one, but two, perfect little miracles….Right?

Wrong.

I think I’ve just realised that the weight of infertility was just so heavy, it’s left a hole in my heart… and I can’t seem to shake off the feeling of wanting a baby….. even after everything we’ve been through and what we were blessed with.

I spent years begging my maker for a baby, telling myself that its all i ever wanted and that i wouldn’t ask for anything else, ever….now I  have two perfectly perfect, little boys…. and although they complete our perfect family, I still want more.

But then I wonder if in fact I really do…….or is my mind still just programmed to think that way after all this time? Maybe I’d feel the same even after baby number 3, 4, 5 gosh… even after 10!

Then there’s the little problem of…. would we conceive naturally?  I wouldn’t go down the road of IVF again, but what if i didn’t catch after months of trying and slip into the familiar territory of peeing on sticks, getting hopes up for them to be beaten down again month after month and the obsession of two lines come creeping back into my head, even if we did ‘just see what happens’

We recently talked about ‘just seeing what happens’. Which was all well and good until Keith started giving me mixed messages. I dont blame him…. i dont know if its what i really want or if my tired, battered and bruised mind is playing trick….but because of all that we’ve been through, having to be so sure that it was what we both wanted, I’m just not prepared to even step foot down that road again if he’s only half arsed. 

But he’s right… tonight it hit me.

Before,  we would have given right arms, moved the earth and sold our souls to be pregnant. But now we’re parents, Keith thinks of just the ‘normal’ pro’s and cons to having a baby that people without infertility debate about….. like money, whether it’s fair on the boys, whether we’d cope with another, logistics of car seats and bedrooms, along with childcare and risks involved.

Problem is, I thought all of the above is bollocks. If we were to naturally fall pregnant after everything we’ve been though it would be nothing but a true miracle….. and we’d cope because we’d have to. Things like money,  logistics and the fact certain people aren’t in our lives to give us the support most families get are all hurdles we can overcome,  and like many out there who do it, we’d struggle by for a short time, spending a few years investing in our future as a family. 

Truth is……. I just don’t know how to switch that feeling off. I’ve got people telling me “you need another” as well as the natural born feeling of wanting babies that runs through my veins. The thought of really not wanting to have another baby, I simply can’t relate to… but I know I will always, even when I’m old and wrinkly have this need for a baby.

For now we’ve parked it…. padlocked it and then barricaded it in after a bit of a heated debate about it (since had a cuddle and a kiss after reading this to him and we threw away the key).

Good news is….. the house is spotless. Because as you know, when we argue, we clean. And while I cleaned (cleaned = baby wiped) the downstairs loo with a face like a smacked arse, Keiths been ‘doing jobs’ in the garden with his head torch talking to himself. 

Bad news is…. We’ve let the third wheel (infertility) rear it’s ugly little shit head again, years later.

So to the people who think “get over it” when I still ramble on about what we’ve been through…. THIS is why. Infertility doesn’t just scratch the surface of a marriage…. it burrows in deep.

An open diary through IVF to a BFP

A lot of people following my blog are either just about to go through IVF, maybe still trying to figure out what it actually stands for, already in the depths of IVF and riddled with hormones, googling things like “will my embryo fall out if I sneeze” whist crying at your completely helpless husband for absolutely no reason at all, or you may have just stumbled on my page when searching the hashtag #fuckitbucket.

For those who haven’t followed me since the beginning of Kickstartbabies, when I was just beginning stims for round 1 of IVF, after 3 failed rounds of IUI and one abandoned cycle due to over stimulation, I figured it’s not fair to make you scroll through well over 2000 blog posts and pictures of my life, just to get to the answers to your questions.

So, I copied and pasted my Instagram posts all together, with all my symptoms, thoughts and feelings from stims right through to collection, transfer and getting my BFP. That way you can see exactly what was going on in my mind and with my body at each point. Not saying this will be the same for you, as one thing I have learned on my journey is that nobody is the same, we all react differently to the meds, hormones, emotions etc.

I did Long protocol IVF so this meant I had to start down regulation injections before starting the stims.  I actually didn’t start my blog until I was day 6 of stims.

I didn’t admit on my blog at the time, but I knew I was pregnant from 4dp5dt…. I tested out my shot and my tests just got stronger by the day. The reason I didn’t declare it, is because a friend of mine was going though IVF a week ahead of me and was bleeding. It wouldn’t have been the right time, so continued to document my symptoms as a log for myself and others and waited until official test day to confirm.

11th June 2014 –  Started Down regulation –  Buselerin daily (CD21)

24th June 2014 – Started Down stims – Menopur

27th June 2014 – Stims making tummy really bloated on day 4 of stims. 150iu of menopur daily…. Also continuing to down regulate with buserelin until told otherwise….x

cs

29th June 2014 Making sure I eat healthy during the run up to ivf is the most important thing for me. Want to be able to put my hand on heart at the end of this knowing I’ve done all I can! X blueberries, strawberries, avocado, bananna, apple – I read that avocado is a superfood for fertility boosting success rates so having one a day! Xxx just whack them in a blender…… X

Morning ladies… Can’t help but wake early during all the meds. We are doing the down regulation meds (buserelin) at 7:30 every morning so not even a lie in for me on a Sunday! X when I’m up, I’m up…. Other than listening to Zita West relaxation cd, acupuncture and reiki, is there anything else I could be doing? Curious to see what your techniques are xx

 Continuing with 150iu of menopur daily…. Roll on Tuesday so I know how many follies I have! X

keith

Thank god for my lovely hubby… I just look the other way while he does the injections for me…. 💙

30th June 2014. Today i’m feeling pretty uncomfortable. Stims day 7. Bloated and heavy and can almost feel something going on in my ovaries today. Hopefully a good sign my little eggies are getting ready. Acupuncture tonight, I cant wait!  Scan tomorrow to see how many follies I have so far… Hoping a good number but not sure what number to expect? X where in the cycle are you and what are you feeling? X 💉💉💉 👶🙏

Today’s fertility smoothie… Not gonna lie, crazy mix of flavours but it just works! Kale can taste bitter so have sweetened with blueberries and have only added the avocado to get my 1 a day… I don’t like them on their own so great way to do it without gagging! X any suggestions on a fertility smoothie? Xx 🍍🍌🍑🍎🍏🍊🍓🍉🍇🍒🍋 😐😐

porpor

1st July 2014 .  (scan day) Yayyy!!! 12 🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳🍳 with a few catching up behind! X she really happy with progress and egg retrieval should be Monday x next scan Friday 🙏🙏👶👶

iyoy

Morning all… This is a quote that got me through the last 2 years after losing my beautiful mum. I’ve just read it again and think it’s very fitting for the IVF journey too. Been a rough few years in total but I feel there is light at the end of the tunnel for me, as there is for you all. Can’t help but sometimes feel that negative saying “why me?” But at times I don’t know why all the crap seems to be thrown my way. My mum said that these things only happen to those strong enough to go through it. It was things like that she’d say to me that gave me the strength to cope. And know that if she was here now she’d be saying it again…. “You WILL be ok” or You CAN do this”…So I know I am strong enough to do this otherwise this wouldn’t be happening… Hopefully I’m taking the hits for someone out there that isn’t strong enough?

4

Hammock check! Coffee (decaf) check! Good read check! Biscuits check! Comfy pillow and blanket check! Sun shining check! Earphones for music check! X this feet up relaxing lark is easy! Xxxx

If life gives you lemons… Make lemon infused water! Xx I like to have at least one infused water during the day! My favourite is with blueberries and fresh mint! X so many benefits! 🔸flushes out toxins 🔸clearer skin 🔸balances natural ph levels 🔸blood purifier 🔸high in vitamin c – to name a few! Xx 🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋🍋

jnckn

So my wine glasses haven’t been used in a while so I’ve decided to have a large glass of goodness! X avacado, blueberries, banana and yoghurt…. Along with my supplements x scan tomorrow to see how my 12 follies are looking! Hoping for ER Monday! Xxx

 naowo

Yay! 12-14 good size follies ready for ER Monday – in total there are 19 but that depends on the other playing catch up! Xx waiting for a call to say what time to trigger tomorrow eve 🙂 xx

Off for a day trip to the spa with my bestie as a treat from hubby. no hot tub, steam or sauna for me though, obviously.Our overnight stay consists of chick flicks, dinner and popcorn in bed, reiki and a pedicure! Just what the doc ordered.

5th July 2014 – Trigger shot this evening. Happy weekend all! X what are your plans? I’ve got my trigger shot in a portable fridge in the boot of my car and a fridge to greet me when we arrive! I’m taking no make up and no straighteners. Just magazines galore and a clear mind… 👌 perfect xxxxx

mmhj.jpg

 Had a great day and night just me and my bestie x she gave me the final injection of our #ivf journey last night! X I triggered at 22:00 in prep for my egg retrieval tomorrow morning! X I’m so excited now I just want to know how many are retrieved and how many fertilise. My new saying is I CAN get pregnant and I WILL get pregnant. That’s what the lady who did my reiki told me. I just need to believe more 😬! X have a great Sunday all x

3

7th July 2014 – Egg retrieval day! Just waiting to be taken down! X excited and scared! X come on you follies! Gimme some eggs! Xx🍳🍳🍳🙏

 jdsosos

Over the moon! Almost double what we expected ! Xxxx 21 🍳! Xx blood test weds as worried about mild ohss … But they seemed really pleased with the collection and number. On way home to get into that hammock in the garden! X

Waiting for the phone to ring. I am praying fertilisation has occurred.

8th July 2014 – Day after retrieval. Ok so I’m awake…. It’s almost 8am here in the UK. All I can think of Is when my phones going to ring for those all important results. I am praying 🙏 for fertilisation… This would be confirmation for us both that we CAN do this. It’s the furthest we’ve got to knowing we CAN conceive our baby together. IUI’s are just roulette in a way as we don’t know what goes on once The little swimmers are back in…. Yet this would at least say my eggs are ok! Up to now it’s all been ‘unexplained’… I WILL get pregnant this cycle …. I CAN get pregnant! Xx anyone else wishing for that call today? Wishing you hope and hugs ! X

 hhy

Oh my god!!! Over the moon!!! 12 of the 21 eggs have fertilised!! I’m so happy right now! day 5 transfer on Saturday! Xxx I’ve got a great feeling! Xxxxx

 lmvlmv

Wow…. My belly is huge today. Day after egg retrieval usually a size 6!! Couldn’t do up trousers today. Bloods tomorrow as think mild OHSS. Nothing to worry about. Period like pains is all I have and feel bloated. All for a good cause! X 😁👍

So today I’ve made a batch of broccoli and stilton soup. I’m only eating warm foods and room temperature drinks. This is all in prep for my transfer Saturday 🙂 x just been for blood test as have mild OHSS. Taking it easy with feet up again! X

 mnvj

Just had call about bloods this morning….. Confirmed I definitely do have OHSS not bad but mild. Need to@drink 2.5/3 Ltrs a day and keep feet up! X

 kjndc

Keith – I want them all home…

Made my heart melt! 👪💏🙏👶 xx

11th July 2014 – Just had the call. (Kept me waiting!!) TRANSFER TOMORROW MORNING @ 09:30 – 21 collected, 12 fertilised, 5 at blastocyst stage looking spot on, 4 dividing nicely. Over the moon!!!

 12th July 2014 – Transfer DAY

sd

Hi ladies !! I’m having one blastocyst replaced today and I can’t wait! So far in this journey things have been positive for us both so I’m hoping that it stays that way x I’ve got a stack of comedies to watch on my return home and setting Up camp in the living room for the rest of the day! X feel blessed to have come this far already on our first ivf attempt after 3 failed IUI’s and 3 long years to trying for our baby. Embryologist called last night to confirm a good number made it and look superb! Will let you know today when I’ve heard exactly how they looking – I’m wishing hoping praying and willing. Had a dream of a bfp last night! X that’s a sign xx any other ladies having egg transfer today? Xxx

 meee

Omg! Xxx we had 2 blastocysts transferred!!!! Xxx PUPO DAY 1

Symptoms DPT = Days Past Transfer

1dp5dt (1 Day Past 5 Day Transfer)

13th July 2014 – Morning 😃 ! So I’ve made it through my first day and night of being PUPO (pregnant until proved otherwise) Got to admit, it’s made me more obsessed with this whole thing! 😕Every move I make I’m secretly worrying about- what side to be sleeping on, every time I go to the toilet, walk up the stairs, sneeze, laugh, cry…. Today I’m going to have a stern word with myself. Everything’s ok. These babies WILL stick and no amount of peeing or laughing will make any difference – unless they fall out. Shit, what if they fall out? I need to remain calm and relaxed. I am trying to ensure I do : 🔸eat warm foods and drinks (room temp water) 🔸keeping hydrated – 🔸taking a prenatal vitamin containing folic acid 🔸omega 3 supplement. BUT mainly I need to stay positive!!! 🙏👶👶👪

2dp5dt

Morning lovely ladies xx so today’s update!! I am 2dp5dt I’m feeling crampy today.. Like AF cramps. Other than that, nothing x I’m trying to not watch every single symptom as I know a lot if this could be the progesterone! But want to blog a daily update 1 for me to look back on this journey and 2, for you all to compare with xx it’s my hubby’s birthday today 💏 x he is 37 today, I am 28 in September. I’m hoping the little babas are digging in getting comfy! X x how are you feeling today and how many dpo are you pt? Xx 🙏🙏🙏👶👶👪

 3dp5dt

Morning all. Well today I’m 3dp5dt and I feel really emotional. Just feel anxious, nervous and like I could cry at the drop of a hat! I think not hearing from the hospital about if I have any frozen embryos doesn’t help.. And still can’t get through to them today! 😩 x not crampy today feel normal and no twinges. Trying to replace these feelings with some positive vibes! X

lkjikmd

What better way for me to snap out of this mood than to walk in the nature park 5 mins away from home. Just sat on the bench there in the distance for a good hour, headphones on and tunes on. Had a few emotional moments sat there. Sun shining,  blue skies and butterflies all around me. had a little word with the embies and told them to stay put. I hope they can hear me…xx

Just had the call. No eggs to freeze. Some made to blasto stage  but theyhave a cut off on grade when they freeze due to how they deteriorate when thawing. I’m gutted. Even more pressure for this to work.

 Thank you all for your lovely comments today after my rants on today’s findings. After a long slow walk, fresh air and a meltdown in the middle of waitrose when my hubby’s best mate said “hi how are things?”, I’m feeling much better. When my hub finished work we drove to where my mums plot is. She was buried on a natural burial ground so I love being there with all the wild flowers, butterflies and gorgeous views. After a long chat outloud and a good blub… I’m back to being calm cool and collected. I am thankful for the life I have and anything that comes my way is a blessing. This really is out of my control now and whatever will be I just need to accept that. These babas need to dig in deep…xx

 4dp5dt (I tested out my trigger and the lines appeared  to be getting darker but didn’t say on the blog as explained above in the intro)

Morning all. So it’s Wednesday morning here in the UK. I am now 4dp5dt . After a pretty crappy day yesterday with my negative vibes , tears and tantrums – as predicted, today I feel fine. One thing I’ve learned on this journey is that I’m losing my mind! I’m like a mad woman! I’m hoping just all the hormones! I’ve woken up positive again as I know I need to look after these little babas that came home with me, not those that didn’t! I’m going to focus on nurturing and keeping these ones on board! I’ve started talking out loud to them as one person suggested, I pray daily and I am replacing negative thoughts with positive ones. I’ve stocked up on all the goodness I need – raspberries, blueberries ,pineapple juice , avocado, pommegranite juice etc…. I am PUPO after all ! Today is all about enjoying this moment! Not fearing the future that I have absolutely no control of. I’m replacing my fears with a positive so here they are – A few of my fears are:

🔸I don’t have any eggs to freeze (replaced with I won’t need them!)

🔸what if they don’t stick around (replaced with I’ve done all I can in my power , and things happen for a reason)

🔸scared of returning to work after all this time off and for nothing. (Replaced with yeah and what? I’ll have more time off when I start round 2 if needed).

🔸I worry about age – hubby 9 years older than me (replaced with age is just a number and this will happen when our time is right)

🔸what if I’ll never be a mummy? (Replaced with are you kidding? I was born to be a mummy!!) 🔴All in all – 2 fingers up to the what ifs and maybes … Worry gives the small things a big shadow .. I’m always worrying about what ifs but WHAT IF I stopped worrying? 😊 x up yours what ifs because I’ve got an answer for everything! X.

 Symptoms today –  4dp5dt are below – sorry for TMI at times… But want to be as honest and open – let’s face it… I’ve not much dignity left as it is so what they hey! X I had loose bowels this morning, a headache that’s just been barely noticeable. Like dehydrated but I’m not. Also I have a sore throat this evening. None of the above on a great scale. Anyone else have these symptoms that lead to a bfp? Xx

 5dp5dt

Morning lovely ladies!! X so today I am 5dp5dt!! Going very quickly! X feeling fine today, still remaining extremely positive. Loose bowels again first thing, headache gone but feel dehydrated. Packing today for a trip to Devon with my husband, best friends and their beautiful babies (our god daughters). We go on Monday to Friday so the hospital have said we can take our own test wednesday and call in with the results! Then they will book us in for blood test x still praying to he big man upstairs and talking to my embies xx

 6dp5dt

Morning you lovely bunch! X Today I am 6dp5dt !After my post yesterday I developed oily skin on my face throughout the day and my dehydration continued. In the night I woke not only to the thunder and lightening, but to lower back aches and my right hip too. Still thirsty but keeping well hydrated. While I was tossing and trying I was imagining how to tell people when we get the news. So difficult when doing ivf as I have chosen to tell all close friends and family and close work colleagues x so can’t really hide it …. Or have that big surprise announcements! X how are you all feeling today? X I’m extremely posiive.

 7dp5dt

Morning! I’m awake at 5:15 this morning as for the second night running I just can’t sleep. I’m 7dp5dt having uncomfortable cramps in upper stomach. Feels like similar pain to acid although I think it’s gas. That’s second night on trot! Don’t have it during day just at night when laying down. Skin was still oily during day yesterday, I was ratty for most of the day to be honest! (Poor hub) x feel slightly nauseated but haven’t been sick. Temperature pretty high but it’s so muggy here and just had the hottest day of the year so far! I also had to take a nap yesterday after a light shopping trip with my bestie. I was shattered! Not sure if due to weather though . I was absolutely starving come each mealtime yesterday! I’m hoping all good signs 🙏👶️ x have a great weekend x

 8dp5dt

Morning ladies x hope you are all well? X so today I’m a whopping 8dp5dt !! Going very quick! Xx dehydration continues, and I had another nap yesterday to beat the tiredness. I felt as though is don’t too much on Friday so made sure I relaxed yesterday. Had few cramps during the day yesterday, hunger increased for 2nd day running. I thankfully didn’t wake during the night this time with the painful trapped wind. But this morning I have woken up to that as well as diarrhoea ! My tummy feels that funny I think I could be sick but I haven’t. A few wobbly moments yesterday where I just didn’t feel 100%. Today I’ve noticed more obvious breast pain. Not nipples as such just tender breasts x x

 9dp5dt

Hello lovelies ! X today I am 9dp5dt ! Thankfully the painful gas is easing up and haven’t had during the night again. But I do have insomnia and have had 3 hours and 40 min sleep! 😴😴! X loose bowels again this morning too x off on holiday now with friends and will continue to blog things daily xx hope you all are ok x wednesday I will confirm if this is my BFP XXX

 10dp5dt

Hi lovelies!! Well, I’m on holiday and it’s absolutely wonderful here! X with our best friends in the world and my beautiful god children. Tomorrow is test day and I’m feeling so positive still…. Will post first thing tomorrow!! I am SO uncomfortable today… So much so I’ve had to come back to base to eat while everyone else had fun at the arcades! X literally feel that bloated my belly button could pop out! Look 4 months pregnant today! (Yay 😉) x hope you all well 🙂 xxx lots of love xxx

 11 dp5dt –  Official test day

kjhdd

Well ladies… Here you go! It’s a very strong BFP for me. 😄😄Calling hospital today to schedule beta presumably for Friday when I’m home from our little jolly. I have been so uncomfortable the last few days but it’s all worth it. I know how blessed and luck we are and I am rooting for you all on this journey. Only says 2-3 weeks but I can’t work out how far along I am at 11dp5d ? !! Is it 4 or 5 weeks? You’ve all been such a huge support network , thank you x love to all x

In the bucket…

​Just a few things in the FIB this morning in prep for a stress free weekend… in the bucket = no more f**ks. 

● Missing bracelet ●

It’s gone. I thought it was the sparkly thing behind the headboard, but it’s not. When keith confirmed it wasnt there, sheer horror set in. I haven’t worn it in a year, but now I know it’s actually missing, my gut hurts so much I’m wondering if I could have swallowed it. 
● Liar Liar● 

Chopper the boys hair again. Yep. This time worse than ever. They appear to have ginormous foreheads and look so bad that I got nervous when an elderly couple were cooing at them in Tesco, and when asked their names, I replied “Ranie and Onnie”, without correcting myself and ran off before they saw the missing clump of Onnies fringe.
● Shit mum moment ●

I took them McDonald’s. (That’s not the shit mum bit, that’s a knackered mum who couldn’t be arsed with cooking another dinner for them to lob on floor). They were given balloons, they loved them. But because I didn’t want to walk around with McDonald’s balloons,  I released one… and forced grandad to do the other, yelling “oh no, the balloons” as we accidently on purpose stole happiness from the hands of babes.
● Musical statues●

I witnessed a woman drop their trousers in the field next to our house yesterday morning, as I brushed my teeth. She peed. Possibly pooed. All i know is. She spotted me spot her, and all I could think of doing was stand as still as i possibly could with my toothbrush in my mouth, in the hope i looked like i was some kind of early, Halloween gimic in the window. It was battle of the best as to who gave in first, and I opted to very slowly just slide below the window out of view, shushing Arnie yelling from my name ! I was more embarrassed to be caught watching, than they were being seen. 
● NobHog ●

After yelling “who wants a bickie” yesterday afternoon and the boys running to the kitchen gate in sheer delight, I suddenly realised there was only one left. I could have split it. I could have… But I didn’t.  I gave them a slice of apple, to which they cried while I hid behind the fridge door eating the delicious,  chocolate hobnob.

Why it’s never too late to say “I’m sorry”…

You might remember a few weeks back, I wrote an open letter to a 15 year old me…

Well, yesterday I posted about all of things I need to ‘quit doing now’ in order to rid myself of the anxieties that came with motherhood, and it turns out I’ve had them longer than I first thought.
This morning, I woke to a facebook message from someone I went to school with. We weren’t friends back then, we had a run in and our paths haven’t crossed since, yet we’ve been friends on Facebook for some time (as you do). I’ve seen a completely different person to who I remember. She’s now a fabulous mummy, who has often given me some really great advice on motherhood, through commenting on posts I’ve shared on Kickstartbabies.

I mentioned about ‘letting go of the past’, something I struggle with.  Well, truth is, I still felt slightly intimidated by her now, for something that happened at school when we were just kids, half a lifetime ago. I often wondered if she still felt the same, or if she even thinks about it at all. I don’t judge her for it… although feelings clearly do stick, because I still think about it when we talk.

It was my Birthday, and a present of mine disappeared from the table in class. I knew who took it, but I was more nervous of confronting her than I was bothered about getting it back. 

I confronted her. Even my mum did, and to this day I’ve worried if I accused the wrong person,  jumped to conclusions, offended, or if she even  remembers what happened.

Then I woke to this message….

” Omg just reading your post about things to ‘quit’
Makes me think of school and how awful I was!
I’ve ALWAYS felt bad (and ashamed) of the time we had a run in. I was such a dick. Me & two friends did take your present (even though I’ve never said this to anyone out loud ever through sheer embarrassment). We were being silly & for some reason found it funny in a split second moment, then instantly regretted it and didn’t know what to do, so we hid the present then after you disappeared took it back! This is VERY embarrassing and I’m soooo sorry! I was a twat at school so full of attitude all because I hated school and had zero confidence & felt incredibly lonely so made up for it with my ridiculous attitude.
I’ve always thought your amazing, I used to think you looked like Britney Spears (when she was young, hot and famous of course) and I always admired how popular you were. So even though you have low self esteem, other people put you on a pedestal. You’ve done amazing with your boys and I love your blog!
I just have to admit all this because I still cringe about it and I would hate for you to still think of it and feel angry 😥 so god knows how many years way too late… I’m reallllly sorry! Xx”

I cried! Reading this message made me cry (and laugh).

Isn’t it crazy how half of the anxieties we have, stems from how we feel about ourselves?!  

Yet from where I was standing, you were the prettiest girl in class, had a perfectly prefect smile, a bag full of confidence and were always one of the ‘popular’ ones.

Moral of the story is…. It’s NEVER too late to say “sorry” and it’s NEVER to late to ‘let go’. 

I have massive respect for this girl. It’s not easy saying sorry,  especially all these years later. But she did. 

I’m sorry too, for still holding onto feelings and defining you by that one silly incident, and not seeing it for what it really was.

It’s not too late. It’s never too late, because we can teach our children not to take childhood too seriously.  We can teach them to be open and honest with their feelings instead of hiding behind their fears, and not to take things so personally.

Life always has a way of working things out, and we learn something new everyday…. even if it does take 15(ish) years to figure out.

A poem of infertility 


Stop what you’re doing, just a second
Pick yourself up from the floor
You’re barely recognisable
Even you don’t know you anymore.

Those big brown eyes once so pretty
They turn green, every new day that dawns
Who is this person within you
That cries, every new baby born.

It’s hard for you to be happy
You’re consumed by “why’s that not me”
So desperate to give him a baby
Break these chains, be finally free

Right now you can’t see a future
Or imagine your body with child
Your grieving for something you long for
Can’t remember the last time you smiled.

On good days you manage to hide it
When womb pryers ask if you’re trying
Another one line on your test today
Spent most your morning crying

You’ve so many people around you
Just a handful who understand
What it’s like to want this so badly
The future is out of your hands.

All of a sudden a light shines
Amidst the blinding darkness and gloom
You realise it’s time to start talking
About this elephant in the room

You usually talk for hours
But this subject forces you mute
Turns out, he’s as scared as you are
Hadn’t planned to go down this route.

It feels like a weight has been lifted
As you lay out your private life bare
Unburden yourselves from this secret
Infertility love affair

That moment, the start of your journey
This person before you, your guide
There’s no guarantee what the outcome
Together you stand, side by side.

It’s not how you imagined making baby
Forefitting your moments of fun
For injections and hormones aplenty
Be worth it when all this is done.

One day you’ll be feeling hopeful
The next you’ll question it’s worth
But keep your eyes on the prize girl
This is why you were put on this earth

Your exhausted body is healed now
Your tired mind restored
Then a second line starts appearing
There’s miracle babies on board.

All of the tears and the yearning
Dragging along this third wheel
Your tears of sorrow, now happiness
Pinch yourself, this is real.

Months go by, and you flourish
There’s beauty in you to discover
Forgiven your body of failing
You got here one way or another.

Your prayers are finally answered
Overcome by feelings of joy
You screen shot his face in your memory
As you hand him his new baby boys.

It’s worth everything you’ve been through
The heartache, tears and pain
Don’t just wait for the storm to pass
Learn to dance in the rain.

By Stacey Hill, Kickstartbabies

© 

Confessions of a first time mummy to twins.. 


● I say I’m busy when I’m not.
It’s not because I don’t want to see you. It’s just that sometimes, I’m busy doing nothing.

● I’ve been known to eat a 3 day old cheerio that I found on the floor to save me walking it to the bin.

● I don’t like busy places.
It makes me nervous. I’m not the Stacey you used to know and this surprises me more than you,  trust me. Along came two little miracles and with them, a bundle of anxiety.

● I picked a poo from the paddling pool with a wet wipe and turned a blind eye. (It was solid…..)

● I don’t accept help.
My lack of wanting it, causes offence. Don’t. The boys have stayed over someone’s house twice, not through lack of offers. But that suits us, and now they’re older I think we’re finding our own way out of the over protectiveness through nursery. It’s a small step,  but this pace fits our needs, and theirs. I am actually ok!

● I stole a wham bar from the corner shop when I was 9. I picked up two together and paid for just the one. I still lose sleep over it.

● I get jealous. 
Yep, bring out the violin. I get jealous of people who have someone around doing all the nanny bits. Having an immediate ‘go to’ for questions,  encouragement, babysitting, talking to’s, advice and making dinners when I’m too tired, to help out even when I insist I don’t need it. It’s still raw for me that mines not here and I feel like I should just crack on with it.

● I pluck my left, big toe. I know what your thinking,  just the left? Yes. I don’t know why but I have to, from time to time pluck the little suckers. Could be hormones, or could be punishment for the wham bar theft.

● It’s lonely.
(Oops, did you pack away the violin?) Don’t worry, i’m not alone by any means. But in a sea full of familiar faces, sometimes it can be lonely game as a first time mum to twins. I’ve done it to myself with all of the above. Cocooned myself maybe a little too long. But it’s just not easy to nip anywhere join groups and socialise when your anxious about both boys going opposite ways. Then if someone offers help I don’t take it… it’s catch 22.

● I fancy Mr Bloom

18 months of motherhood

18 months

1 and a half

547 days

Since wishes were granted

2 boys we were handed

And all of our dreams were made.

—–

I’ve never felt love quite like this 

Hooked, the second I looked in your eyes

You brought back the broken pieces 

Of my heart that was stuck in the sky.

—–
We cradled you for hours.

Absorbed every moment with you

Everyone said it goes quickly

Cherish nights in that dimly lit room.

—–

Your tiny little bodies

Fit so perfectly in my arms groove

Now catching a cuddles not so easy

Since you quickly became on the move.

—–

You’ve changed the world around me

People in it, i see in new light

Together we watch you grow older

Oh what a beautiful sight.

—–

I blinked and realised I missed it

All of a sudden my babies now boys.

It scares me how fast you’re changing

I’d stop the clock if given the choice.

—-

Every stage upto now’s been my favourite

I’m excited to see what’s in store

I’ll encourage you everyday 

To take risks, be free and explore.

—-

I’m bursting with pride as I write this

I still can’t believe that you’re mine

A perfect example of patience

The best things in life take time.